Today I borrowed words my past….written 11/2010
The children need me…I need them…my hands are tied and with tears rolling down my face, I knew the only option I had was to go back to Michigan…. fearing the admission of all that implied and would once again bring back into my life. I hated myself only 3 months ago for leaving and now I hated myself for going back. I was conflicted at the heart of the details in both my choices. However, perhaps it is never really that we make a right or a wrong choice but that we should all marvel in the simplicity of the gift in having a choice to make. A fork in the road placed at our feet and when we look down either path the road and the destination seem unclear and uncertain. Yet…what I fear MOST above the correctness in my ultimate choice and of turning either left or right is that I NEVER KNEW I HAD THE OPTION TO TURN!
I am grateful not only that I have awareness of the chances in my life but also the wisdom to see the bends in the road… for how sad are those who continue in the same direction for fear of making the “wrong” turn or worse even still those who didn’t even notice the option to veer from their lives’ paths and assume the direction they started has to and will be the direction in which their journey will come to its end.
I have now been “home”/in Michigan for a week. Seven days, which included a major holiday, my 32nd birthday and 2 moves. I have laughed lovingly in the presence of those I had missed dearly, I have relished in the simplicity of nothing more than smelling my son’s hair as he falls asleep or singing in the car with my daughter after discovering that we both loved the new song playing on the radio. I have been welcomed with love and that makes going anywhere worth it….. and if only life was that easy in this place. ( I say this place) as I have found it to be something completely different just a thousand short miles and one right turn down the road. Of course, taking into account that I was different as well as my surroundings but being “away” certainly fostered an awakening from the humdrum and monotony of dysfunction that had always made changing unlikely.
I was alone for the first time and for the first time I wasn’t for I realized I had myself a comfort that had gone undiscovered for far too many years. I met people who were honest, genuine and kind-heart souls and some days I thought the universe was giving me to much as it seemed to place one amazing spirit after another in my path and bringing people into my life that when we met, I felt destined to be with them and no where other than in that moment.
Those days are memories now, words in my stories,warmth to my soul but nonetheless they are past. I am back to what I knew before I left, before I risked it all, before I danced in the Georgia Rain….. and it is a tremendous reality check as well as a bit discouraging to return and find everything exactly as it was when I left…as it had always been. I had always been different but now I am truly changed and being “home” feels as if I am putting on a pair of shoes that are 3 sizes to small or a shirt in which the sleeves are 6 inches too short. For at one point in my life both the shoes and that shirt would have been a perfect fit but I have now outgrown them. Funny, that it is so acceptable and implied that we will grow out of our shoes and our clothing and they will undoubtedly be replaced with new yet when we transfer that to our lives, our souls, our dreams, our hopes, and our desires we are discouraged by others: by society, by those we once chose but have now become our obligation, even by our own thoughts for just because we are adults, or just because we felt something briefly s decade ago, or thought we wanted to be the person we were becoming until we did… my point is ~ WE NEVER ALLOW OURSELVES TO EXPECT THAT WE WOULD OUTGROW THOSE CHOICES JUST AS EASILY AS OUR OLD SNEAKERS. ~ and to that I say growth is good, perhaps it is the main objective to living…for when we grow, we change, when we change, we become better and when we know better we do better and when we do better…… WE ARE LIVING OUR BEST LIVES AND THE ONLY REMARKABLE ACCOMPLISHMENT THAT ONE SHOULD AIM AND CHASE AFTER DAILY IS LIVE..TO BE ALIVE… RATHER THAN MERELY SAFELY EXISTING!
So, as my first week “back” ends, I am honestly no more sure of what choice was right or which was wrong, maybe they were both wrong??? and then again equally as possible I am RIGHT where I am MEANT to be whether dumb luck or true intuition and faith, I don’t care because as long as I can say and with confidence I AM LIVING.. then I can not wait to see what the next turn in the road brings to my life!